


The Letter

by Esli



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Canon Universe, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Implied Hange Zoe/Moblit Berner - Freeform, Minor Sasha Blouse/Jean Kirschtein, Post-Return to Shiganshina Arc (Shingeki no Kyojin), Slow Burn, sasha's pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 05:01:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26810047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esli/pseuds/Esli
Summary: Levi is losing his citizenship and somehow Sasha is the only one who can help him.
Relationships: Sasha Blouse/Levi
Comments: 24
Kudos: 63





	1. A new mission

One letter can change many people’s lives. For Levi Ackerman and Sasha Braus it was that letter coming right from the Underground, while the scouts were preparing to clean Wall Maria from titans. It went to the capital, Mitras, where the new government had the displeasure to read it. Queen Historia didn’t wait a second to send it to the Survey Corps, settled in a castle at the South of Wall Rosa…

* * *

“Your appetite is at its best today Sasha.” Eren pointed out.

“I EAT HOW I WANT OKAY ?!” she replied, angry.

She had been eating with full energy and determination, trying to forget the terrible morning she just had. She saw from the corner of her eye Connie making a gesture to Eren, letting him know that she wasn’t feeling ok. Connie was her best friend, she knew she could rely on him. So that was why she had told him the news. She told him everything.

“So-sorry…” Eren murmured, intimidated.

A silence filled the mess hall. There were only nine survivors left from Shiganshina’s battle and Sasha could feel it. The castle was quieter, especially at meals. Plus, Hange and Levi were lunching after them, having paperwork to do in the morning.

“Does your chest hurt today Sasha ?” Armin worried about her injury.

“I’M PERFECTLY FINE.”

Everytime she felt sad, angry or afraid her friends thought it was physical. That something was hurting or that she was sick or hungry. It was like she should be the always happy soldier and it had started to piss her off.

“Hey Sasha, why are you yelling ?” Jean intervened. “Armin didn’t do anything to you !”

She clenched her fists. Of course it never was Armin’s fault ! Sasha reprimanded herself : Armin was just being considerate. She just couldn’t stand anyone in this room at the moment. She got too angry at mankind by this damned letter she had received.

She decided to cut it off and left the room, her plate empty.

“Well done Jean.” she could hear Eren say sarcastically behind her back.

She started to run to the girls’ dormitory, only used by Mikasa and herself. She needed some time alone, or maybe a hug. Definitely a hug. But she knew that wouldn’t happen. Connie wasn’t a hugger and Jean had turned the page on her a long time ago. These last days she had felt so lonely… and that letter from his father hadn’t helped : _‘I don’t understand why you don’t come back home’, ‘you aren’t suited for the army’, ‘it’s too dangerous you almost died’, ‘come home now’_.

She knew he was just worried about her but it was _her_ life. He had almost pushed her out of the village and now he was asking her to come back ? No, he was even ordering her ?!

Sasha opened the door and closed it firmly behind her. She started to cry, but not loudly to avoid being heard in the Captain’s office, right next to the girls’ dorm. Wiping away her tears as they came out, she walked to her nightstand and opened the drawer. She took the letter and started reading it again. _‘You’re getting 21 and still haven’t found yourself a husband.’_

She squished the paper and threw it away. She tried her best not to sob, to not annoy Captain Levi working on the other side of the wall.

She sat on her bed and stared at the letter reduced to a ball of crumpled paper. People had problems more important than that. Most of the scouts had lost their parents and she was lucky she still had her father, she should treasure it. As she stood up she let out a big sob and it made her cry even more. _I’m pathetic,_ she thought. She went to pick up the ball of paper and put it back in the drawer.

Sasha walked around the dorm, not knowing what to do anymore. Lunch was over. She had to wait for dinner which was in hours…

She looked at Mikasa’s bed which was well made and clean. Not like Sasha’s. She never did her bed, she just didn’t find the point of it. Mikasa had a teddy bear someone had offered her. She had never told Sasha who. She was suspicious it was from Jean. She didn’t know how to feel about it. Jean was the only ex she had and it hadn’t been anything serious, they had been just fooling around. Hiding themselves in the 3DMG storage room to have some good times.

Sasha sighed.

She felt her cheeks getting sticky from the tears and decided to put some water on them. She hoped no one would see her in the hallway. She wasn’t comfortable to let people see her cry. Maybe that was why they assumed she was always happy. But maybe if she saw Commander Hange she would give her a hug or at least some warming words ?

Unluckily for her, it was Captain Levi who saw her crying face. He had first seemed in a very bad mood, but then when he noticed the trace of her tears his eyebrows slightly raised and he stopped in front of her.

“You okay Sasha ?”

“Yes, I am sir.”

She couldn’t help it but lie. She was uneasy to share her emotions, especially to Captain Levi, she didn’t want to concern him. And mostly, they weren’t close enough for her to share anything.

He stared at her for a while, clearly not buying her words and Sasha felt nervous. She was still awestruck by this legendary man and couldn’t believe she had been in his squad for several months now.

He handed her a handkerchief, and the very moment she took it he walked away.

“LEVI !!! SASHA !!!” yelled a familiar voice. “Come here !”

Sasha quickly wiped what was left of her tears and headed to Hange’s office. The Captain was following her with an impassible expression.

“Come in Sasha, have a seat.” 

She shyly took a seat and observed the room. It was rare for the girl to enter the Commander’s office.

Because her superiors looked highly serious, one question was burning Sasha’s lips.

“Did I do something wrong ?”

There was a part of her who was concerned about that meat she had stolen two weeks ago. Had they found out about it ?

“No dear, nothing at all.”

Hange sat down at her desk and Levi on the sofa next to the window. The Commander took a piece of paper and agitated it.

“This letter has been giving Levi and I a headache this morning. It is from Queen Historia.”

“Is she okay ?!” immediately worried Sasha.

“Yes she is. But she’s warning us of something bad. Very bad.”

Sasha swallowed. What she was about to tell her seemed very important.

“As you know we are only nine scouts now. We cannot take the risk to lose someone else.”

“Is Eren in danger again ?”

“No, that’s not the case at least. Here I’m talking about Levi.”

Sasha looked at her Captain with concern. 

“I’m fine.” he said.

“But he won’t be long if we don’t do something. You see Sasha, Levi is from the Underground and there it’s…”

“Hell.” completed Levi.

“Yes. Erwin got him out of it with a contract he made with the Underground controllers.”

“A contract ?” asked Sasha.

“Yes, Levi could leave that place only to join the Survey Corps under Erwin’s command.”

“Under Major Erwin’s command…” repeated softly Sasha, trying to understand what was going on.

“Because Erwin is no longer among us and I am in command of the SC, the contract isn’t valid anymore and Levi lost his citizenship.”

“That means…” Sasha said. “... he has to go back to the Underground ?!”

“Yes. And down there, he was a criminal. A sentenced-to-death criminal.”

The Captain avoided Sasha’s panicking look. If they didn’t do anything he would die ?!

”They plan to deport him in a week.” Hange said. “So that leaves us seven days to find a solution.”

“Why did you tell her all of this ?” he asked. “Didn’t you say to me the less people knew, the best it would be ?”

“Yes I did. I’m explaining everything to Sasha because she might be a solution.”

The girl in question blinked, how could she be a solution to this mess ? It had nothing to do with her !

“Care to develop four-eyes ?”

“If you marry her, you’ll get your citizenship back.”

Sasha gaped. It was a joke. It couldn’t be real. She was just hallucinating.

“Excuse me, Hange-san, could you repeat please ?” she said.

“If you two get married, Levi will get his citizenship back.”

“No.” coldly responded Levi. “Find something else.”

“I tried !”

Sasha could feel a bad atmosphere starting to fill the room and she made herself invisible by not speaking or moving an inch.

“I can say I’m severely wounded and can’t be deported.” Levi offered.

“They will check you’re not lying.”

“What if I’m not lying ?”

Sasha’s eyes widened. He was ready to be severely wounded instead of marrying her. Was he overprotective, or just disgusted by her ?

“Either way it won’t be enough ! They’ll deport you the second you’ll get better.” Hange said.

The Captain sighed and suddenly got up. He started to frown and Sasha understood anger was consuming him.

“Didn’t you say we only needed to buy time ? For Historia Reiss to change the law ?”

“Yes I did ! But harming yourself is too risky ! What if you die Levi ? Or get better earlier than expected ? It’s a plan with too many deficiencies !”

“Damn it Hange ! You are the Commander of the SC, don’t you have the power to make a new contract ?!”

“It can’t be renewed ! It’s in the terms !”

“So what ? It’s Erwin who fucked up ?!”

“YES HE DID !”

They were both out of breath and Sasha hadn’t moved from her chair. Silence filled the room. They could only hear the other scouts chatting in the mess hall. At that moment, they seemed so distant, far away from their problem, in a different sweet world.

Sasha stared at the letter and remembered the one she had received from her father that day. She clenched her fists. It was her life. Her choices.

“I will do it.”

The girl looked straight into Hange’s eye.

“I can do it. I’m here because I’ve sworn to dedicate my heart to humanity. If marrying the Captain saves the Survey Corps’ major asset, then I will do it.”

She could feel Levi’s stare right into her soul. She had betrayed him. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want her. Who would ? Sasha was a stupid, tall, filthy girl obsessed with food. _I’m sorry_ , she thought.

Levi glared at Hange and asked :

“Why _her_?”

She adjusted her glasses and avoided the eye contact.

“Choosing a man would make some religious jerks involved and we don’t want to draw any attention. So that leaves Mikasa, Sasha and I. Mikasa being related to you and I...” she said before touching her wedding ring.

She still hadn’t taken it off, and Sasha bet she wouldn’t in the years to come. Moblit had been the perfect husband to her. Sasha couldn’t imagine her sorrow.

“Can’t we find somebody else ? Someone not from the SC ?” Levi asked, pissed off.

Sasha felt shame spreading all over her body. She knew she was a disgusting girl to him. Always eating, the worse at cleaning, noisy, with a tendency to do silly things. But still, she felt hurt he was so disgusted by her…

“There’s no time for that.” Hange said.

Levi sighed deeply and looked at Sasha.

“Don’t say yes, we-”

“Levi-” interrupted Hange.

“- _we will find something else._ ”

“Levi there’s no other choice.” the Commander insisted.

“There will be."

“Hange-san is right.” said Sasha. “They’re coming in a week, there’s no time to waste. It’s too risky. Like I said, I’m ready to sacrifice my heart for humanity. I didn’t think of it that way at that time, but if you die Captain Levi, we will lose hope.”

The Captain stared at her for a while. Sasha’s heart stopped by fear of his deadly eyes. But he wasn’t looking at her meanly.

Finally, he cursed as a submitment.

It was settled. They would get married. Sasha would marry Captain Levi. She was so frightened but did deep down she knew it was the right thing to do. She just couldn’t condemn Humanity’s Strongest.

“Can we tell the squad it’s a fake marriage ?” she still asked.

Hange looked down and slightly frowned.

“It would be best not to. The more people know it’s a scam, the more Levi is in danger.”

Sasha took the time to realize the consequences of the Commander’s words : her friends would believe she had kept a relationship from them. A romantic relationship with their Captain. They would think Captain Levi and her had been a secret couple for months now and maybe even that… they had had sex ! Sasha's face started to turn red at the thought…

“For how long we will have to act ?” Levi asked, irritated.

“Until the controllers leave. They come in a week. I don’t know how long they would stay.”

“Oh so it’s just a matter of weeks.” said Sasha with relief.

Hange shook her head.

“I can’t promise that. I honestly don’t know how things will happen.” she confessed.

Sasha heard the Captain mumbling a series of bad words. 

“So concretely what do we have to do ?”

“Come out as a couple to the squad and make it believable.” Hange answered.

“Is it that really necessary to convince the squad ?” Sasha wondered. “Don’t we just have to convince the controllers ?”

“They are so difficult to convince and they might interrogate every scout. It’s putting Levi’s life in danger to reveal the truth to our friends.”

“So our goal is to convince them.” Levi said.

“Convince me.” Hange responded.

Levi headed for outside.

“Where are you going ?”

“I need to think.”

He slammed the door behind him and it made Sasha jump on her seat.

Hange closed her eyes and sighed. She wasn’t pleased to be the bad person in the story.

“If you ever need anything Sasha, my door is opened.” she said softly.

They exchanged a look. Sasha didn’t know what to ask for. What to say. What to do. Her new mission was to pretend to be in love with Captain Levi and yet she knew so little about him. She didn’t even know his favorite meal.

“Levi can be… cold.” Hange stated. “And blunt and rude. You have to look beyond that. He has a good heart, but he just doesn’t express it like most people.”

The Commander made a little tired smile before adding :

“I trust you Sasha.”

The girl in question felt her adrenaline back in her brain. She didn’t know what to say or what to do, but she knew it would start with Levi. She would be here for him. He had saved the squad so many times she could only try to return the favor.

Sasha got up and saluted. 

“You can count on me Commander Hange.”

She left the office and walked firmly to the kitchen. She took the kettle and filled it with water before putting it on fire. Making tea was the only idea she had. The only thing she knew he enjoyed. Maybe it would open up the conversation.

Sasha grabbed a cup and as she was staring at it she wondered what he liked so much about tea. It was just a fancy drink to her. But he was taking at very least two cups of it everyday.

“There you are.” Jean said and it made her jump.

The cup fell and she failed to save it. It broke on the floor.

“Oh god.”

Damn Sasha hated herself for being so clumsy. 

“Crap.” Jean let out. “Don’t move.”

He picked up the broken pieces and threw them out. Then he took another cup of tea and put it in her hands.

“Don’t drop this one.”

They exchanged a long look. Jean seemed hesitant. He raised a hand and slowly cupped her cheek. Sasha blinked at his touch. He saw the confusion in her and let her go. He stepped back with a weak smile and walked away to the door. When he had left the room, she stood there for a while. She kept rewinding this strange moment in her head. Jean was someone special to her, he had been her first and last boyfriend. They had lost their virginity together. So getting this kind of attention from him was… something.

The whistle of the kettle snapped her out of it. She wondered what kind of tea the Captain liked the best and settled for the green one. The cup of tea ready, she carefully climbed up the stairs. She walked past Floch but ignored him, too focused on not spilling the tea.

Arriving at his office’s door, she started to doubt. What could she do ? How could she complete this strange mission ? How could _they_ complete it ? They needed a plan. To make things clear and… to act.

“Captain Levi.” she knocked at his office’s door. “It’s me Sasha.”

She waited for a response but it remained silent. She was about to walk away when she heard a tiny “Come in”.

Sasha took a deep breath and entered, closing the door behind her.

The Captain was lying on the sofa under the window. His arm was protecting his eyes from the blinding sunlight.

“You should get ready for today’s training Sasha.”

“I think it would be wiser to work on this new mission Commander Hange gave us.”

“Mission ? Is that how you see life ? One mission after another ?” he said, finally looking at her. “Ha. Is that for me ?”

“Yes…”

He took a few seconds to sit up and she handed him the cup. When their fingers touched she tried her best to not drop this one too.

“Thank you Sasha.”

He took a sip of it and glanced at her. Sasha didn’t know what to do or to say from now on. She hadn’t expected to see him in that state, his eyes seemed so tired and hopeless.

“I’m sorry.” he broke the silence. “I wish I had another solution… I’m thinking but…”

Sasha came to him and sat by his side. She had thought he would reject her but he didn’t move.

“We’re a team now sir. I had a choice and I took it. Do not feel sorry for me.”

He dropped his head and revealed his nape to Sasha. She wanted to touch his hair, it seemed so soft.

She heard him sigh.

“Let’s get ready for training and we’ll talk about this afterwards.” he mumbled with a tired voice.

“Yes sir.” 

Levi raised his head to look back at her and she gave him a reassuring smile. She had never seen the Captain so expressive. He seemed exhausted and depressed. Maybe that was how Sasha would feel if her life was depending on a weird play like this.

Sasha stood up and went to the door, glancing at Levi before closing it behind her. His expression remained stuck in her mind when she entered the girls’ dorm.

“Hey, where were you ?” asked Mikasa who was getting dressed.

“With Captain Levi.” she answered without thinking.

The raven haired girl watched her going to the wardrobe but remained silent. Sasha took her uniform and dropped it on her bed. She took off her shoes, skirt and vest and put on the white trousers, the boots and the brown jacket. When she was done, Mikasa opened the door and they headed for the courtyard.

The afternoon training went slowly for Sasha. She was always staring into space between two workouts, thinking about the weird mission. About how she could convince the squad. She often glanced at the Captain, trying to perceive a clue of how he felt. But he had remained impassible. Sometimes she found him staring at her too. When it happened Sasha looked away, embarrassed.

At the end of the training, they were all so exhausted that only the two Ackermans were still on their feet. Sasha was lying down, gazing at the twilight sky when someone offered their hand to her. She took it expecting to be Connie’s. But the person pulled her up with so much strength that she bumped them.

“Careful.” Levi murmured.

Her heart skipped a beat. He was so close. She stepped back and apologized, avoiding his piercing grey eyes. He released her and headed inside. Sasha watched him walk away. 

“What about me ???” whined Connie on the ground.

Sasha smiled and helped him get up. They went back to the castle. After taking her shower she went downstairs to see what was for dinner. Eren and Armin were the ones cooking tonight. Sasha wondered how it would turn out because even though Armin was quite good at cooking, Eren was terrible at it.

“Sasha.”

She turned around and saw the Captain again. He told her to follow him with a hand gesture. So that was the moment. They were gonna have the talk.

They arrived in Levi’s office and sat on the sofa like earlier.

“I thought about… our marriage. There are some rules we need to put and some points we need to clarify.”

Sasha nodded. Everything was so blurry at the moment.

"First I'm gonna tell the squad at dinner I proposed to you."

That took Sasha's breath away. So soon ? She wasn't ready ! They weren't ready to hear it ! She had to set the stage before.

"The sooner the better. It's something we must tear off like a band-aid." he explained.

She remembered Levi's life was at stake and that they only had a week to convince the scouts of their love.

"After that… you should go sleep in my room from now on."

Her eyes went wide and she nervously smiled. 

"Excuse me ?"

"Wouldn't it be strange if my bride-to-be refused to share a bed with me ?"

The Captain had a point. But still it would be so awkward…

"Don't worry I have a couch in my room, I'll sleep on it."

Sasha felt a bit relieved but still so stressed out to spend her nights in the Captain's bed.

"Except sometimes Hange, no one comes in my room so it will be a safe place where we wouldn't have to act."

Sasha nodded, still processing the fact that she would leave the dormitory. She hated this big empty dorm anyway. Maybe Commander Hange would give Mikasa a private room then.

"We probably gonna have to kiss in front of others… Do you have a problem with that ?" Levi asked.

She shook her head. It would be so embarrassing but she could do it. For him.

"Have you ever kissed someone before ?"

"Yes." she said nervously.

He looked relieved. Sasha guessed he didn't want to take away her first kiss. Hange was right, the Captain had a good heart under all of this cold armor.

"We should get to know each other to make it believable." he said. "This will be the hardest part."

They looked at each other. Sasha wanted to know more about him. He seemed to have a complicated past.

Hange suddenly opened the door.

"Dinner's ready-Oh hey Sasha ! Am I interrupting something ?" she said with a smile.

"No !" 

"Yes." he said.

Hange stared at them and let out : 

"You two are cute."

That made Sasha blush in a heartbeat and Levi frown, irritated.

"We'll come downstairs in a sec four-eyes."

"Okay see you lovers !" she said closing the door.

Sasha started to feel really nervous about that dinner and her legs started to shake. Levi noticed and said to her :

“I’ll tell them. Don’t think about it too much.”

She nodded. She was scared of how bluntly the Captain would tell the squad but she still prefered he was the one telling them.

He stood up and walked to the door.

“Come on. Let’s get on stage.”


	2. Coming out

When Sasha and Levi arrived in the mess hall, dinner was already served. It was a mushroom omelet. The girl realized she was starving.

She quickly sat at her usual place and thanked the boys for the meal before attacking it with her fork. As she was eating she felt something was odd. It was too silent. She looked around and saw the Captain at her left. This wasn’t his seat. It was Armin’s. Sasha searched for the blond boy, he was taking place at Levi’s empty chair instead. He looked at Eren with a shrug.

Sasha stared at Levi. What was he doing ? He caught her watching him but didn’t say a thing. Instead he poured himself some water.

No one was daring to comment on this sudden change of seats, even though it was unexpected it wasn’t scandalous.

Sasha made a pause on her eating to make a wish. She wished she was someone else. That she wasn’t in this awful situation. She didn’t know how her friends would react and was mostly concerned about Connie. He would be so angry at her for not telling him a thing. If Sasha truly had had a relationship with Captain Levi she would have told her best friend about it. Even if it was a secret. Damn she even knew about his crush on Eren, it was unfair she wouldn’t share to him her love for Levi.

“I hate mushrooms.” she heard the Captain’s very low whisper.

She didn’t know he had the habit to murmur to himself like that. It was barely audible for Sasha which meant the others couldn’t possibly hear it.

As for her, she loved mushrooms.

“Give them to me.” she whispered softly.   
He glanced at her, taken aback by her good hearing. Then he looked back at his plate and took his fork. He used it to prod a mushroom and drop it on her half-eaten omelet.

Sasha smiled. More food ! She ate with a lighter heart.

“You seem to be in a better mood Sasha. You’re glowing.” Jean said.

He was on the seat at her right. He smiled at her in a way too familiar.

“Thanks Jean.”

“You know you can talk to me if anything is bothering you.” he added.

He had this look in his eyes… The same as when he had touched her face earlier.

“I know.” she said shyly.

He was making her uncomfortable, he wasn’t his usual self. He reminded her of young Jean back when they were dating.

Suddenly Sasha felt his foot against hers. She didn’t dare to move.

“Hey Eren, you’re getting better at cooking, aren’t you ?” Jean asked while casually putting his elbow on the back of Sasha’s chair.

Her whole body tensed at the sudden proximity. She had no doubt anymore : Jean was openly flirting with her ! That was not the time or place ! Everybody at the table was getting it.

“Armin made the omelet, I just cut the mushrooms.” Eren replied.

Sasha looked at Connie in distress who was doing his best to repress a laugh. When their eyes met he mimicked a tiny kiss with his lips, as a teasing. What an idiot !

“That’s why they are weirdly cut…” Mikasa said.

Then Sasha whispered to the only person who could end this, and mostly who  _ had _ to end this :

“Help.” 

Levi looked at her questioningly. She glanced at Jean who was still comfortably installed. 

“What do I do ??” she murmured, panicked.

“About what ?”

She couldn’t believe it. Levi had no clue of what was happening, or more exactly what it meant. 

“His elbow.” she insisted.

He glanced at it and slightly shrugged, not understanding what Jean was trying to do. Only when the boy extended his arm behind Sasha’s head and touched her shoulder Levi got it.

He grabbed Jean’s wrist and turned it as it shouldn’t be.

“Ouch ! What the-” 

The boy met Levi’s deadly eyes and went blank. Sasha felt so embarrassed by this confrontation. She wasn’t worth it. But somehow… it felt good to be desired and protected. Even if Levi’s action was based on an act.

Now everybody was staring at him. They hadn’t missed his violent reaction.

“Captain ?” mumbled Connie.

“Sasha is my fiancée.” he said with a pinch of warning in his voice.

Silence. Only the sound of the rain hitting the windows echoed in the mess hall. It was like time had stopped. Everybody froze. Sasha could hear her heart pounding in her ears. She couldn’t move, her eyes locked on her glass, she didn’t dare to look up, to see how her friends were reacting to this.

A laugh broke the silence.

“And I thought you had no sense of humor Captain !” said Connie.

Sasha frowned. She felt a lump in her throat, her hands were starting to shake. She couldn’t look at her best friend. It was like a betrayal to him.

“I’m not joking.” Levi deadpanned.

Eyes were starting to blink and mouths to gape.

“How come no one is congratulating them ?” Hange said. “Don’t make those faces, it’s good news !”

Her energy was contrasting with the soldiers’ state of emotional shock.

“Congrats.” finally said Mikasa.

She resumed eating in silence and everyone watched her, stunned.

“Wait, wait, wait !” Jean intervened. “What- Since when… are you two a thing ?”

Now Sasha’s legs were trembling. Levi put a hand on her knee to calm her down. She looked at him and found comfort in his presence.

“Since we kissed I guess.” he answered.

Hange snorted. It was such a Levi way to answer.

“Commander, did you know about this ?” asked Armin.

She nodded heartily, with sparkling eyes.

“I’ve been in the known…” she said with a smile.

Sasha wanted to leave this place. She wanted to run away. To hide in her bed and never get out of it. She made the mistake to glance at the one whose heart seemed to be crushed.

“Say something, Connie.” she muttered.

He looked at her and opened his mouth but no word came out. He frowned. He was disappointed. Hurt. Betrayed. 

“Why would I say anything when you didn’t ?” he finally spoke.

With those words he got up and left the mess hall. Sasha stood up to catch him up, but someone grabbed her arm.

Levi slightly shook his head. She shouldn’t go after him. He went in her place.

Sasha watched the Captain leaving the room, helpless. She just stood there, in the middle of the room. Her hands still shaking.

“Your way of cutting mushrooms is weird Eren.” said Floch.

Jean slapped the back of his head.

“I have so many questions right now I don’t know where to start.” Eren said.

Sasha looked down. How could she answer any of them ? Levi and her hadn’t discussed it. They should have agreed on a backstory of their relationship before telling the squad.

Mikasa got up from her seat. Her plate was empty.

She stopped at Sasha’s side and put a hand on her shoulder.

“If he ever hurts you in anyway I’ll beat him up.”

“Thanks Mikasa.” she said with a tiny smile.

She knew it was her friend’s way to bless their marriage. 

“You haven’t finished your meal Sasha.” Armin kindly said.

She looked at him and he smiled at her. She didn’t know if he was believing them but he was the smartest one, if he didn’t he would understand this marriage had a legitimate purpose.

“I’m not very hungry anymore…” she muttered.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room again. Sasha not being hungry had something alarming. She was just too concerned about Connie. He was her best friend, he was more important than any lover she would have. She loved him, not in a romantic way, but it didn’t mean that love wasn’t strong.

“What a dinner.” commented Floch.

“Shut up Floch.” Eren murmured, staring into space.

The red haired boy stood up and silently left.

There still was Hange, Eren, Armin and Jean with her but Sasha felt loneliness at its worse. She didn't want any of this. She was just doing the right thing… She couldn’t lose her friends over this. 

“I don’t understand why you both kept this from us.” Eren said. “I’m not judging, I’m even happy for you guys, but… We just didn’t see it coming ? You have to forgive our reaction Sasha.”

She looked up at him.

“I do ! I’m sorry I didn’t share this with you sooner… I was afraid.” she made up. 

Jean got up and headed for the door. He stopped next to her and said a gloomy :

“Congrats.”

Sasha felt bad for him. If only she could tell him the truth, if only...

Once Jean left the mess hall, Armin spoke up :

“Give them time. Connie and Jean are just taken aback. I personally think Captain Levi and you are quite complementary.” 

Sasha blinked.  _ Complementary…  _ It was true that Levi and her had nothing alike. But were they really complementary ?

Sasha swallowed as she met Hange’s stare _. ‘Convince me _ ’, she had said. How was she supposed to convince her she was in love with Levi ? That they were a couple ? Levi wasn’t anything lovey-dovey. Or so he didn’t seem to be. They had to be subtle but undeniable.

“Excuse me.” she said.

She fastly left the mess hall and ran to the center of the cloister under the rain. She felt so lonely and lost. She looked behind her and saw by the window Eren and Armin talking.

What was happening with her life ? She had been proud of having taken control of it but now it all had gone to hell. Maybe she should have just died back at Shiganshina...

“Sasha.”

She jumped and turned around. It was Levi.

“I was looking for you. I’ve talked to Connie. He needs time I think. And mostly a reason why you didn’t tell him.”

Sasha looked down. Her friendship with Connie was the most precious thing she had. She couldn’t lose it. She didn’t know how she would do without him.

“Was he angry ?” she asked, still staring at her feet.

“Yes.”

Damn it. In a single day her world had collapsed. She now couldn’t say she hadn’t regrets about accepting this secret mission. As the rain was starting to soak her clothes and hair, a tiny tear joined the water drops on her face.

“I’m sorry.” softly said Levi. “For what saving me is costing you and for what I’m about to do.”

That last line made her look up at him. He cupped her cheeks and pulled her down to press his lips to hers.

Sasha’s eyes slowly went wide. What was he doing ? Why was he kissing her ?! She was so stunned her body couldn't react. She saw his eyes were closed. He was now opening up a little his mouth to then put his lips around her top one.

This unexpected kiss was very different from what she had experienced back in the days.

Levi knew what he was doing. He was moving his lips with confidence and… experience. His mouth was warm and soft. Sasha started to hear her heart racing so fast she thought it would explode. She unconsciously closed her eyes and brought her hand to his hair. She forgot the rain, Connie, Jean, the squad, the mission… All she could think of was the feeling of Levi’s lips on hers. It felt so nice she wanted this to last but he pulled away, keeping his face only inches apart of hers.

They stared into each other’s eyes for a while, processing what had just happened.

“I…” started Levi.

He stepped back. Sasha had never seen that expression on him before, he looked genuinely confused.

“They were watching us.” he explained. “Sorry it took you aback.”

Sasha kept staring at him and felt warmth in her cheeks. She reprimanded herself : now wasn't the time to blush ! But Levi had taken her by surprise and she couldn't lie to herself : she had enjoyed it. He had kissed her for the sake of the mission however she had taken it personally. As proof, her heart was still racing.

"It's okay." she finally said.

They stood under the rain for a while, lost in thoughts.

“We should get back in.” he said, regaining his impassible expression.

He headed for the stairs and she followed him. With a glance above her shoulder she spotted Eren and Armin watching them. Levi wasn’t lying. He truly had kissed her because people were watching. Sasha couldn’t help but wonder if they would have to kiss another time. She wanted to slap herself for looking forward to it. She felt pathetic. 

“Go get your stuff.” Levi said at the top of the stairs.

And he left her there, alone in the corridor with her guilty thoughts. She stayed still for a while, until her brain finally connected the dots : she had to move in Levi’s room. But how could she spend time with him after that kiss ? She felt like a teenager again. 

At last, her legs started to move and she entered the dorm.

Mikasa was sitting on her bed, hugging her teddy bear like Sasha had never seen her. She approached and silently sat next to her.

They stayed like this for a while. Staring at the empty beds illuminated by the candle light. Sasha didn’t know what to say, she only hoped this pain in her heart would get smaller over the nights to come without her friend. They had been sharing dorms since the beginning, since they were young cadets. So they naturally had gotten used to each other’s presence.

Mikasa wasn’t very expressive with her friends. But she was the kind of person that protected what she loved, because she knew best that it could disappear in a heartbeat.

“I’m losing my family again.” 

Sasha turned to her and replied :

“You’re not losing me. I’m just on the floor above.”

“But it won’t be the same.”

Sasha felt a lump in her throat. She realized how her everyday life had been so peaceful and nice these last days. With no titans in sight, no expedition, no battle. Just living together as a big family. Being awakened by Mikasa’s voice, watching her doing abs, doing her ponytail, asking her silly questions in the middle of the night, hearing her sleep talking. How could Sasha say goodbye to this ? She hadn’t imagined how an unusual wedding would throw all of this away.

But life wasn’t stopping, it just took an unexpected turn. Sasha had to do what she did best : seeing the light in the darkest times.

“Look at the bright side Mikasa : I’ll become an Ackerman and we’ll be like sisters !”

She kept staring at her, waiting for her response. She didn’t want Mikasa to feel alone. Because she wasn’t. 

“You already are my sister.” 

Sasha was so blessed to have her in her life. She took her hand and squeezed it. Even if they weren’t sharing dorms anymore, she knew they could still rely on each other.

“The midget better treat you right.” Mikasa murmured.

Sasha laughed for the first time of the day.

The truth was that she had no idea what this upcoming marriage had in store for her. The Captain wasn’t known for his sweet and kindness. Sasha had never heard about any lover he might have had. Yet that kiss she received gave her no doubt : he had more experience than her. 

She wondered how it would be to be in a relationship with him. A real one. He probably couldn’t give much time to his partner and neither the guarantee that he would survive for years to come. So it must have been hard for him to find a companion.

“You okay Sasha ?” Mikasa snapped her out of her thoughts.

“Yes… I have to go.”

She let go of her friend’s hand and went to pick up her clothes in the wardrobe with reluctant moves. But she had no choice.

Before leaving the dorm, she turned to Mikasa.

“See you tomorrow.”

The raven haired girl nodded with a tiny smile. Sasha closed the door and left her alone in the big room.

She climbed up the stairs to the second floor, where the Commander and the Captain had their quarters. She had been there only once, that unforgettable morning where Eren had tried to make breakfast and almost burned the whole castle. She smiled at the memory.

Sasha knocked at Levi’s door and she didn’t wait long for him to open it. He scanned her as if she was likely to be hurt.

“You took your time.”

“Sorry sir.”

“Don’t call me ‘sir’.”

“Yes s-. Yes.”

He sighed and let her in.

Levi’s room was big, neat and immaculate. There was a double-bed, a nightstand, a wardrobe, a bookcase and a sofa, but no personal items or anything special. It looked sad to Sasha, liveless.

She turned around and an inside door intrigued her.

“That’s my bathroom. Don’t use it. Also : no food here.”

She swallowed. Here was the clean freak she knew. She had expected to not be allowed using the same bathtub as him but the ‘no food’ rule was tough. Yet he had saved her a little place in his wardrobe and Sasha found it kind of sweet. She thought of it twice like it couldn’t be real :  _ Levi was sweet _ .

He went to pick a book and read it on the sofa. Sasha watched him do, not knowing how she would kill time herself. When she was bored in the dorm she usually ate bread or annoyed Mikasa. But none of those options were available at the moment. So she went to the window, gazing at the night sky. She had always loved the stars. When she was little she used to watch them on her father’s shoulders. She let out a sigh. Those were good times. It was before Wall Maria broke. Before all the deaths. The sacrifices. The sorrow.

Right now she understood her father, how he must feel worried as sick for her all the time, knowing she was in the frontline, that she had nearly died. She understood he wanted her to come home, to stay safe and have a happy simple life with a husband and children.

Her jaw tensed.

“I forgot something !” she exclaimed before running outside.

She went down the stairs so fast she almost fell. When she abruptly opened the dormitory’s door, Mikasa wasn’t there anymore. She went to her nightstand and took her father’s letter, still crushed in a ball.

On her way back to Levi’s room, she unfolded it to read it again. The words, although clumsy, weren’t so selfish anymore. They were the words of a worried and caring dad who only wanted the best for his daughter. How could Sasha have not got it ? 

As she kept reading, her throat started to hurt. She missed him. She missed him so much. At a time like this all she wanted was to go back to her little village where everything was not perfect, but surely easier.

She finally entered the Captain’s quarters and apologized for the sudden escape. He wiped it with a hand gesture, still reading his book. Sasha sat next to him, holding the precious letter. She read it again and again and again until her mind got tired and the sentences became too complicated to read.

“You should go to sleep Sasha.”

She opened her eyes. She had been dozing off for an unknown time, her head on the armchair. She sat up and looked at Levi. He was already in pyjamas which were a white t-shirt and black trousers. She had never seen him in other clothes than the uniform or his usual suit. Those comfy pyjamas softened the features of his face. The sight of his exposed arms reminded her when she had stitched his injured shoulder. That time he had been bare chested. 

“What are you looking at ?”

Sasha jumped and panicked.

“Well hum I was just humm... “ she said agitating her hands.

She ran out of words and just stayed like this, her mouth open. That was when she perceived it for the first time : the little sparkle in Levi’s eyes. It was subtle but definitely there. She searched for what was that emotion in him that made his eyes glow like this.

Levi kept staring at her, silent, still waiting for an answer.

“I… was looking at… the…”

She rubbed her head in distress and spotted it : the tiny almost invisible smirk on his lips. 

“Are you… teasing me ?” she asked.

“I wouldn’t dare, potato girl.”

That made her gasp. Only the cadets were calling her like this ! She hated that surname ! She had eaten a potato at the wrong moment once !  _ Once  _ !

“Don’t make that face.” Levi said. “I know I have worse nicknames than yours.”

She closed her mouth and looked away. How embarrassing. He knew about the squad calling him “clean freak” and probably about Mikasa calling him “midget” ! She prayed someone would interrupt this awkward moment… but no one knocked at the door. 

A yawn escaped from her lips.

Levi put his hand on her head to turn it to him.

“Go. To. Sleep.” he said, his face too close to hers.

Was he going to kiss her ? No of course not, he had no reason to. But still, Sasha wouldn’t mind and she hated herself for that.

When he released her she quickly stood up and went for her nightshirt in the wardrobe. She looked around and didn’t see any screen in the room to get changed.

“Bathroom.” Levi said.

“I thought I didn’t-”

“You can’t bathe in it.”

Sasha nodded in understanding and entered the room in question. It was small but well-appointed. She stripped to her panties and put on her white knee-length nightshirt with long sleeves. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had dark circles under her eyes. It had been a long day and she hoped she would succeed to get some sleep here. She untied her hair and fixed it.

When Sasha went back to the bedroom, Levi was reading the same book as earlier. He glanced at her. 

“Can you fall asleep with light in the room ?”

She responded affirmatively.

“Good. I’m gonna keep reading then.”

Sasha shyly slid in the sheets and looked at him.

“You can sleep in the bed with me. I don’t mind.”

"I'd rather not."

Sasha lied down on the side, turning her back to him. She was on the edge of the bed, if he ever changed his mind. She didn't know the true reason why he wanted to sleep on the sofa, so she assumed he just didn't like sharing a bed.

She closed her eyes and tried to think of something else. She had the habit to wonder about tomorrow's breakfast to relax but this time it wasn't enough.

She moved a lot, trying to find the right position, chasing her painful thoughts of the day. But her friends always came back in her mind, how she had betrayed them.

She was struggling so much to fall asleep that at some point it got her angry. She would have a difficult day tomorrow too and needed energy. How could her body not understand that ?

About what felt an hour later, she sat up, as a give-up.

"Insomnia ?" asked Levi.

"Yes."

"Read a book."

Sasha looked at the bookcase. She hadn't known Levi was a reader. Maybe he was familiar with insomnia too. He must have seen the worst in his years of duty. Things Sasha couldn’t imagine.

"I don't like reading." she said. "Could you read it to me ?"

He shot her a glare.

"Ne-nevermind."

She lied down and put back the sheets on her, embarrassed. They were soft and smelled fresh. She tried to focus on it.

_ The Captain sleeps here _ .

That thought made something in her stomach turn upside down. She had to think of something else. But everything reminded her of that disastrous dinner. Of Mikasa and Jean and Connie…

“He stopped at an intersection and pointed at the trail that went to the right. 'Over there, heading the Black River' he whispered. Ducros checked his compass : 'That's correct. Let's go !'”

Sasha’s eyes widened. He was reading to her. Her heart started to accelerate.

"They walked all night long, taking turns ahead without catching their breath. At dawn, Ducros stopped : "We'll stake out here. Let's review.'"

Levi kept reading to her what turned out to be a crime novel. She would have prefered a romance one but she wouldn't complain. But still...

"Is Ducros in love with someone ?" she interrupted.

There was a silence. Levi was probably staring at her.

"No. At least I don't think so. Never got the romance in books." he confessed. "Suddenly they kiss, I never see it coming. I'm quite hopeless about social interactions if you haven't noticed."

Sasha smiled. It felt nice when Levi was talking about him…

"Have you ever been in a relationship with someone ?" she said.

There was a silence. Sasha cursed internally. She shouldn't have asked that.

"Stop with your silly questions and fall asleep already."

Sasha apologized and closed her eyes again. She thought Levi wouldn't resume but he kept reading the novel to her.

His voice was clear and precised. He didn't put emotions in it during the dialogues but his prononciation was flawless.

The training and events of the day weighting her body down, the girl finally fell asleep.


	3. Not buying it

The sound of a door squeaking woke Sasha up. She had a good hearing so she was cursed to be a light sleeper. It took time for her eyes to get used to the darkness but she finally recognized it was Levi’s room thanks to the weak moonlight going through the curtains.

She sat up and looked at the sofa. It was empty.

Loneliness. 

She squeezed the blanket in her hands. Even  _ him  _ was leaving her alone. That was one of Sasha’s biggest fears : to be left behind. In those times she had to face her inner thoughts and they had nothing pretty.

She heard a laugh in the corridor.

Sasha ignored it and went back to sleep. It was none of her business. She closed her eyes and relaxed. 

Everything would be fine. Her life was just changing and change was scary but she could do it. She had the strength. She was not weak.

_ You are. _

She wasn’t. If she had survived up to this day there had to be a reason ! … Right ?

Suddenly, she got up. She wasn’t tired. She wanted to hear what was going on in the hallway, she couldn’t help it. She stealthily walked to the door and put her ear against it.

“What are you implying, four-eyes ?”

That was Levi’s voice. Was it common for him to chat with Hange in the middle of the night ?

“Nothing.” answered the Commander.

Sasha shouldn’t be hearing their conversation, but she was too curious. She wanted to learn more about their relationship and mostly about Levi himself.

“Why is she even called potato girl ?” he asked.

Sasha’s heart skipped a beat. They were talking about her ! 

“No idea, why the sudden interest ?”

“She’s my fucking fiancée now.”

Hange chuckled.

“Poor girl I’m ruining her life.” Levi said with a sigh.

Sasha looked down. He had perceived her sadness, he had seen her crying. She didn’t want to worry him, she bet he had already too many things on his plate.

“Don’t say that.” replied Hange.

“It’s true, she just lost her best friend because of me and this whole damn thing.”

His voice had a pinch of gloom. Sasha wanted to open the door and tell him she was okay. She knew about sacrifices, and she knew Levi’s life had more value than her well-being.

“She’ll get him back.” Hange said.

“Yeah…” 

There was a silence. Sasha rewinded Connie’s reaction to the revelation. How long would it take for her to regain his trust ? Would they be able to be friends like before ? She couldn’t imagine a world without him.

“Well it’s already 3am.” the Commander pointed out.

“You should stop writing those letters and go to sleep.”

A pause. 

“Fuck, do as you want, but he wouldn’t want you to collapse from exhaustion !” Levi said, angrily.

“Do not speak in his name.” she groaned.

Sasha’s eyes widened, were they talking about Moblit ?

“Good night Levi.” Hange coldly said.

Sasha quickly went back into the bed, putting the blanket on her and taking a sleeping posture. She closed her eyes the moment he opened the door. She heard him take off his shoes and walk to the center of the room. A moment of silence before he went to lie down on the sofa.

Sasha’s heart was racing from the adrenaline. It was like she was discovering another side of the Survey Corps, the veterans’ one. And hell it was scary. All they must have gone through before she met them… She couldn’t imagine all the losses. Levi and Hange were survivors, they were legends like she could never be.

  
  


The second time Sasha woke up, the sunlight was the one going through the curtains. She looked up and saw Levi taking clothes in the wardrobe. She let her head fall back into the pillow in laziness.

A few moments later, she heard a door open and close. Then, the sound of running water.

She closed her eyes, trying to escape this new life.

  
  


“Wake up starfish.”

“Mmmh… Two minutes, Mikasa.”

“Do I look like Mikasa ?”

Sasha blinked, blinded by light. It wasn’t Mikasa’s voice indeed. She looked up and saw Levi already dressed, raising an eyebrow. Did he look like her ?... Honestly, a part of him did.

“Well you have the same hair and...”

He rolled his eyes, exasperated by her answer. Suddenly regaining her happy energy, the girl sat up.

“Oh it reminds me sir-”

“Don’t call me sir-”

“I was chatting with Mikasa yesterday and I realized : I’ll be part of her family !”

Levi crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes with an interrogative expression.

“Her family ? How so ?”

“By marrying you I’ll become an Ackerman, isn’t that funny ?!”

“... Hilarious. Now come on and go take a bath. Hange is letting you use her bathroom.”

“Yes sir !”

He put a knee on the bed and leaned forward to pinch her cheek.

“OUCH.”

“Don’t. Call. Me. Sir.”

He released her and she rubbed her painful cheek.

“And go get cleaned. You smell.”

Sasha sniffed her under arms. She didn't  _ smell _ . She was okay. But for him okay wasn't enough.

Ugh. She wasn't ready to spend weeks or even months with a clean freak.

"I'm hungry." she mumbled.

Sasha got up from the bed. The sooner she would bathe the sooner she would eat ! She took her clothes and headed for the Commander's door, making sure no one was seeing her. If someone knew she wasn't using Levi's bathroom they would doubt about their engagement.

"Come in Sasha."

She shyly entered Hange's room.

"So how went your first night with Levi ?"

"Hum well I think…" she mumbled.

"Good."

Hange put a hand on Sasha's shoulder. The girl looked up, waiting for her to say something but Hange just smiled.

When Sasha was taking her bath she moved her hand to make bubbles as always. It used to amuse her, but right now nothing seemed funny. Because she knew that soon she would have to face Jean and Connie. She hated arguments. She thought life was too short and miserable like this to be fighting between friends. But those disputes had to happen.

She let out a big sigh. She guessed it was the hardest part of this mission. After that, things would get better… 

She got out of the bathtub and dried herself. Once Sasha was dressed and her hair done, she went back to Levi's room.

"Shall we go eat breakfast ?" she asked.

"Go ahead. I'm not hungry in the morning."

"But… you need to eat, Levi."

Her hand went to her mouth. She had called him by his first name. She had started to think about him like that so it had come naturally.

He didn't comment it though.

"I think I can take care of myself Sasha."

So she went alone with stomach pain. She was so nervous to face Connie again she could throw up. And she had never thrown up. Food was sacred to her.

At the end of the stairs, an arm blocking her way got her out of her thoughts.

"Not buying it."

Jean was barely recognizable with his messy hair and dark circles under his eyes.

"You and the Captain. I'm not buying it."

Her heart skipped a beat. He had never been so intimidating. It felt like he was staring right into her soul. Ready to find the weak spot in her. But Sasha had to resist.

"Well you have to, because it's the truth Jean." she said before bypassing him.

He grabbed her arm.

"Why this whole play ?"

"Jean stop !"

"Is he threatening you ?"

"No, you are ! Let me go !"

He released her. Damn he had some grip, Sasha rubbed her forearm.

"If you truly were dating him you would have told Connie about it. Maybe not me. But definitely Connie."

Sasha started to sweat. He had found the weakness in Hange's plan. If only Levi was here, he would be able to shut Jean up.

But Sasha was alone.

“We’ll talk about this later Jean.”

“Why not now ?”

“Because I’m hungry.” she said heading for the mess hall.

He followed her.

“I wanna help you Sasha. Maybe the others don’t but I can see you’re needing help right now-”

“Stop it Jean ! I’m not some princess you have to save ! I’m perfectly happy okay ?”

“You don’t sound like it.”

“It’s because you’re bothering me !”

“Wait !”

She sighed and stopped. She didn’t dare to turn around and face Jean. She didn’t want to argue with him. She just needed him to buy this big weird lie. For Levi’s life. For the Survey Corps. For humanity.

“Let’s talk about this for five minutes in private and then I won’t be bothering you anymore.”

Sasha started to feel her legs weakening. She had to do this sooner or later. And the more she postponed conversations like those, the more Levi was in danger. She had to convince Jean  _ now _ .

“Okay.” she said, turning to him.

“Come.”

She followed him to an unoccupied room upstairs. When he closed the door behind them, her heart was pounding so hard.

“Now that we're alone you can tell me the truth.”

“He told you yesterday : we’re engaged.”

“Then how come you have no ring ?”

Shit. They hadn’t thought this through. But luckily for them, Sasha’s brain was running at full speed.

“Because Levi is from the Underground, where women don’t have engagement rings, people barely can afford wedding rings. So he didn’t know the existence of it.”

There, it wasn’t perfect but she hoped it was good enough. Jean raised an eyebrow : far from it.

“Why didn’t you tell Connie ?”

Sasha looked down. The painful question. 

“I… I wanted to. Since the beginning. Since when I fell for Levi… but I felt guilty. I bet you can understand that : he’s our Captain. So I didn’t say a word of it.”

Jean was still listening to her attentively. She made a pause. She hated lying. Especially to her friends. But she had to...

“When Levi and I kissed I thought it was forbidden as a superior-subordinate relationship. So I kept my mouth shut. The days passing by it became more and more difficult to tell the truth.”

She kept her eyes down when she concluded :

“That’s why.”

She wanted to cry. She needed support. Where was Hange ? Where was Levi ? Why was she fighting this all alone ?

“Fine.”

Sasha’s eyes closed firmly. She had convinced him. She was torn between feeling victorious, relieved or shameful. It was her friend… and her first love.

“I guess it’s beyond me... what you find in him.”

When he was close enough he took her chin and raised it so that she was looking at him.

“All I can do is telling you that I’m still an option.”

She started to struggle breathing as he leaned on her. Was he going to kiss her ? Did he still love her ? What should she do ?!

She needed to go but her body wasn’t responding. Jean smelled freshly cut grass and lemon. His brown eyes were like wood and his lips seemed soft. She couldn’t deny it : she felt attracted to him. Not only by his looks, but mostly because he was the only one offering her comfort in this mess. The only one who was standing by her side.

Sasha stared at his lips. She searched in her memory what was his way of kissing. He used to put his warm hands on her waist, like if she belonged to him. Like if he would be there for her.

“Tell me you don’t wanna kiss me.”

She slightly opened her mouth to respond. Why was it so difficult ?

“I… I don’t.”

“Liar.” he whispered. “Why are you still here then ?”

Her lips started to shake. Memories of good times as cadets went back to her mind. When he had fallen asleep on her shoulder, when they had danced on Mina’s guitar solo, when he had carried her to his bed, when they kissed everywhere… 

This was torture. She wanted Jean. She wanted his arms around her. She wanted his lips on hers. But she couldn’t.

Jean closed his eyes and stepped back.

“I’m sorry.” he said. “I’m not doing this right. I can see in your eyes that I’m hurting you. And I don’t want that.”

She stood there watching him silently leave. 

_ Don’t go. Don’t leave me alone. _

When he closed the door behind him and let her in the dark she slowly sat down on the floor. She kept her eyes on the door like if he would come back and hold her in his arms. She wanted him to murmur to her ear “I’ll get you out of this mess. I’ll be here for you.”.

Sasha closed her eyes and her breathing went faster. Tears appeared in her eyes. She didn’t want to be alone… She didn’t want any of this happening to her…

Her hands went to hide her face as she openly cried. If only someone was looking for her. If only someone found her here. If only… 

_ So weak. _

She had been wrapping herself with jokes and laughs to avoid facing her inner storm. It was too scary to deal with. She didn't have the strength…

Sasha lied down on the cold floor. Slowly, her body relaxed. She stopped crying. Stared into space. Her mind got empty. She wasn’t feeling anything anymore…

“Sasha.”

Her eyes widened. He came to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

“Come on, at least… lie down on the bed.”

She slightly shook her head.

“I’m hopeless Eren.”

“That’s not true. I’m gonna beat the shit out of Jean for leaving you like this.”

“He told you I was here ?”

“He told Connie. Connie told me. And here I am.”

Sasha raised her head to him.

“Connie… told you… to come ?”

Eren shrugged and looked away.

“You weren’t at breakfast. He got worried. He still cares about you Sasha.”

Something woke up inside her heart : hope.

Eren offered his hand. She stared at it.

“How do you keep fighting Eren ?”

He stared into space, like remembering an old memory.

“If you win you live, if you lose you die. But if you don’t fight you can’t win.”

She took his hand and he helped her to get back on her feet.

“Come on, you must be hungry.”

Like hell she was.

They went to the mess hall where some fruits, eggs and oatmeal were at disposal. Only then Sasha noticed the presence of Armin and Connie. The blond boy smiled at her when the other brilliantly avoided her look. It felt like someone stabbed her in the heart.

“Good morning…” she said shyly.

“Good morning Sasha ! How did you sleep ?” Armin asked.

She remembered the night in Levi’s bed and him reading her the crime novel. It had felt nice…

“I can tell by your tiny smile you slept well.” the boy concluded.   
She nodded. Deep down she wished Levi would read her a bedtime story every night. It was good to feel some attention and caring.

“How was your night Connie ?” Sasha dared to ask.

He kept eating his oatmeal without even looking at her. She couldn’t blame him for avoiding her. He must feel so left out for not having been aware of her romantic life. Maybe she should tell him the truth. She was so scared of losing him… But Levi’s life was at risk. She had to do the right thing… Sacrifices were the worst.

The breakfast went with an awkward silence in the mess hall. When Sasha’s bowl was empty she went to the kitchen to wash it. She looked at the cups of tea and it reminded her of Levi. What was he doing right now ? Doing paperwork ? Maybe he was talking with Hange ? She thought again about their talk in the night. She wished she had heard the entire conversation.

Finally she came back to reality and dried her hands. 

“Sasha honey.”

She turned to Hange.

“Levi is responsible for lunch today. I think it would be nice if you helped him.”

“But…” started Sasha.

Levi always cooked by himself, he couldn’t stand people doing things wrong.

“I’ve talked to him.” Hange resumed, guessing her thoughts. “He’ll be nice to you.”

Sasha was a bit nervous, she was scared he would yell at her for being clumsy or eating uncooked food. But she had to do it. Maybe it could be better than what she expected. The only way to know was to do it.

When she went back to the mess hall and saw the three boys playing cards, she felt outsider, and she decided to climb up the stairs.

Levi and Hange were the only ones aware of the truth behind the lie. They were the only people she could be true with now. She would have to get used to it.

She entered Levi’s room but he wasn’t there. The bed was made. She blamed herself for having forgotten to do it. She went to the bookcase and searched for the novel Levi had read to her the night before. She couldn’t find it, she didn’t know its title.

So Sasha looked around the room. Trying to process it was now her room too. Her eyes stopped at the letter of her father on the couch. She still hadn’t replied to him. What could she say ? She couldn’t go home. She couldn’t leave the army, especially now.

When she left the room, she saw Levi himself.

"I- I was looking for you sir !"

"No  _ 'sir' _ . Take your bow and arrow. We're gonna get our lunch."

Sasha almost squealed. Meat, meat, meat ! She hurried to get everything and followed Levi into the woods in a happy walk.

"So… how do you proceed ?" he asked.

She looked at him with big eyes. He had no clue how to hunt. It actually made sense if he was from the Underground.

"You have to watch your steps, make no noise, listen to your surroundings and observe the movements of the leaves."

He was in her steps, clearly louder than her but still not so noisy as a lambda soldier. 

Sasha made a gesture to her ear.

_ Listen _ .

There was a river not far away. The perfect place to hunt. Animals needed to drink and while doing so their hearing was affected.

Sasha and Levi squatted and approached slowly to a bush next to the water.

"And now ?" whispered Levi.

"And now we wait."

He kept staring at Sasha and it made her a bit uncomfortable. It was like there was something he didn't dare to say.

Sasha looked back at him. They were close. She could hear him breathing. She could see the thin black hair framing his grey eyes. He smelled like soap and lavender.

Slowly he raised his hand to her. She kept her eyes on his while he picked a dead leaf from her hair.

They looked back at each other in silence. Only the noise of the water flowing, the birds singing and the wind making the leaves tremble could be heard.

Suddenly Sasha broke the eye contact. A rabbit had got her attention. It was heading for the river to quench its thrist. She adjusted her feet to have a nice balance and placed an arrow. She drew her bow and aimed for the eye of the rabbit. Waiting for the right moment.

The little creature stepped back into mud, looked at its paw and seemed disgusted.

Sasha loosened her bow.

"What is it ?" murmured Levi.

"I can't."

He took her bow and arrow and aimed at the rabbit. He shot straight away. It hit the back leg of the rabbit.

"There. We have food now."

But Sasha kept staring into space. The way the creature had glanced at the mud on his paw… 

Finally Levi came back with the remain. He gave her bow and arrow back and they headed for the castle.

"Why didn't you shoot Sasha ?"

"I just… The rabbit it… reminded me of you Levi."

"So I'm a rabbit now."

Sasha chuckled.

She saw him slightly smirking from the corner of her eye. They were now in the gate.

"How so ?"

"It looked disgusted by the mud on its fur."

"Mud is the worst." Levi said playfully.

They went to the kitchen and put the dead rabbit on the table. Levi grabbed a big knife and gave it to Sasha :

"I guess you'd rather take care of the meat instead of the beans."

She nodded and started butchering the rabbit. She glanced at Levi who was focused on his work.

She saw the bag of flour on the table and a devil idea came to her. She bit her bottom lip in hesitation.

_ Shit. Life is too short. _

Sasha took a good handful of flour and threw it on Levi's head.

He froze, half of his black hair covered in white powder.

Sasha swallowed. He couldn't kill her right ?

He slowly turned his head to her and revealed his deadly eyes.

"Hum… sorry I thought it would be… fun." she mumbled.

He made a step towards her. What was he gonna do to her ? Another step. Would he punch her ? One more step. Slap her ? Step. Their noses were almost touching. Kiss her ?

God Sasha was having a hard time to admit she was attracted to him right now.

Levi grabbed the flour bag and spilled it on her. Sasha gasped and tried to find something to get revenge with. She spotted the box of sugar and extended her hand to reach it until two strong arms blocked her and made her take off the ground.

"Levi !!! Put me down !"

"Apologize." he groaned.

"Okay I'm sorry, it was dumb, I'm sorry !"

He put her down but didn't release her. His arms holding her waist tight to him. He whispered to her ear :

"You'll clean this mess, miss potato girl. You'll clean the flour in the kitchen and the one on my hair."

Releasing her she turned to him and stood there for a while, realizing he wasn't mad. That he seemed even  _ amused _ .

Sasha raised her hand to him and stroked his hair to make the most of the flour fall from it. Then she gently took his hand and guided him to the sink. She turned on the faucet.

"You should… lean for me to wash your hair."

He cursed and obeyed. As Sasha was removing the flour from his hair she kept thinking about how soft they were.

"What are you thinking of potato girl ?" Levi asked, his head over the sink.

She felt her cheeks getting hot. He had such a deep voice and piercing eyes.

"I'm thinking… that my husband is…"

"Ridiculous ?"

She couldn't help but smile. In this situation he did kind of look like a fool.

Water splashed on her face. Levi had put his thumb on the faucet to make the water go all around the place. In a few seconds they were all wet and Sasha was roaring with laughter.

"What the hell ?" said Connie.

They turned to him. 

"Hell is the word." Levi observed the disaster in the kitchen. "What have we done Sasha ?"

She chuckled and shrugged.

"Having fun."

She looked at Connie who didn't seem pleased and left.

Levi and Sasha spent half an hour cleaning the mess they had made and then another hour to finish cooking. Levi kept struggling to prevent Sasha from putting spices everywhere.

In the end, their dish tasted more than fine and they were proud of it.

The squad had lunch in a better mood than the last meal and Sasha hoped for things to get naturally better and better.

The afternoon was 3DMG training. Unluckily, there was rain which was affecting their sight and their precision.

After the effort they all went to take a shower and Sasha waited in Levi's room for Hange to be done. She looked again at her father's letter and started to hate herself for not knowing what to answer.

Hange knocked and Sasha went to her bathroom to get cleaned.

In the bathtub she let her mind fly through the events of the day, Jean almost kissing her, his touch, Connie ignoring her, the hunting, the cooking, the training… It had been a long day. She rubbed the traces of the straps on her body. They couldn't be removed. With a sigh she got out of the bathtub and dried herself. Getting dressed mindlessly, she almost put her skirt in the wrong way.

Finally she got out, thanked Hange and joined Levi in his room, sitting on the sofa.

"Your hair is wet." he commented.

"I just washed them."

"Come here."

She sat cross-legged in front of him. He took her towel and rubbed her hair with it.

"Like that you won't put water everywhere in the bedroom."

Levi gave her back the towel and she stood up on her knees. Their faces were close and she could smell again that delicious scent of soap and lavender.

She took a deep breath of that smell and closed her eyes. She felt fingers going through her messy hair and touching her shoulder. When the contact faded she heard a sigh and she looked at Levi.

"We should go to dinner Sasha."

She nodded.

As they went down the stairs she wondered if she could grab his hand. But no one was looking at them so there was no reason to...

During dinner the mood was almost back at usual. Almost : Connie and Sasha didn't even look at each other and it felt like a regular cold wind in the warm atmosphere.

So when Levi and Hange left to finish their paperwork, Jean came back proudly from the pantry with a full bottle of whiskey.

"Truth or drink guys ?"

Floch cleaned his plate and said he wasn't in, as expected. Sasha started to say the same but Jean put an arm around her and whispered :

"If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear."

Shit. She was trapped. She needed-

"I'm in." Levi snapped.


	4. Partners

Of course Hange had joined them for a few drinking games. They warmed up with a few card plays involving shots. Sasha wasn't comfortable nor relaxed at first but when the alcohol finally kicked in she felt lighter and even… joyful. They were just a bunch of friends having a good time, what could go wrong ?

"Time for truth or drink folks !!!" yelled Hange. "Someone ask me a question now ! I'm ready !"

Levi spoke first :

"What’s the longest you’ve gone without bathing ?"

"Three." she replied proudly.

Sasha blinked, she had thought Hange's hygiene was worse than avoiding cleaning for a couple of days.

"Three what ?" insisted Levi.

"Three weeks."

Everyone gaped.

"You should have taken the shot Hange-san." Jean murmured.

"Okay," she said "Mikasa's turn : Who have you kissed?"

The raven girl drank without hesitation. Sasha was pretty sure it was the same person that gave her the teddy bear.

"Now," Eren said softly "Sasha's turn."

Her heart started to panic, what if they would ask something about Levi ? About their marriage ??

So Sasha felt relief when the one who spoke up was no one else than her fiancé :

"After you’ve dropped a piece of food, what’s the longest time you’ve left it on the floor before eating it?"

She bit her bottom lip. Should she take a shot on this ? Was it really  _ that _ bad?

She closed her eyes while answering :

"I don't know, it was already on the floor when I found the donut."

She opened one lid and saw Levi slightly shaking his head in despair. He wasn't disgusted, just exasperated. It somehow relieved Sasha.

Suddenly she felt in the mood to ask a question.

"Eren ! What’s one thing you’d do if you knew there would be no consequences ?"

Eren squinted before a smirk appeared on his face.

"Kill Floch."

"Who wouldn't." Sasha heard Mikasa mumbling next to her.

"Now it's my turn I guess…" Connie murmured.

"Did you cheat during the final exam of the TC ?" asked Armin.

Connie's eyes went wide and took a shot.

Jean slapped the back of his head.

"You idiot, it's just like if you said yes !"

"And it was an obvious question Armin," said Sasha. "Since it's your turn let me ask real drinking questions : when was your first time ?"

The blond boy turned red and mumbled a little :

"I never had… sex, never, I don't wanna…"

Mikasa stroked his blond hair in affection. 

"Such an innocent boy…"

"I have a question for Jean." Hange intervened.

"Listening." he said proudly.

"When and where was your first kiss? Who was it with?"

Sasha's heart skipped a beat. Please Jean had to take a shot, he just had to. Levi didn't know about their past and it was for the best. But Jean opened his mouth :

"In the patio at training camp, under the night sky, when I was just a cadet. It was with a precious girl called Sasha Braus."

He looked at her in the eyes and she felt her body reacting. Her breathing accelerated and the blood in her veins warmed her skin. When she looked at Levi he was impassible.

"So I may have a question for Captain Levi… " Eren intervened. "Have you ever injured someone for not cleaning properly ?"

"I don't count anymore."

Eren swallowed. He hadn't asked how many people !

"Another turn ! Everyone takes a shot !"

They all did. Sasha started to feel dizzy.

She heard Armin asking Hange what was the weirdest dream she ever had.

"I dreamed I was raising a snake and that it started to read all of my books and setting them on fire. So I scolded it but it went bigger and bigger until it was a dome covering the three walls and we never saw the sunlight again."

The sunlight… disappearing… maybe that was how it felt to live in the Underground.

Sasha realized she had never put herself into Levi's shoes. He had grown up without his parents. Never knew his surname until recently. Raised by a serial killer. Learned killing before cooking…

"Sasha !" someone snapped her out of her thoughts.

"What do you think happens when you die?" asked Jean.

What a strange question, Sasha never truly had thought about the afterlife really...

"I don't know guys, but I hope there will be something to eat." she said with a laugh.

Despite having answered the question she took another drink. It felt nice. She heard Eren talking about killing Floch again. And she tried to focus on what was being said.

"-believe in any superstitions ?" asked someone.

"If you don't shower everyday," started Connie, she could recognize his voice, "Mike Zacharias's ghost will smell it and haunt you for life. Eren told me that."

Sasha laughed along the others, she glanced at Levi who was almost smiling at this stupidity. If only she could make him smile for real...

Damn she wasn't thinking straight. Sasha had to stay focused, what was happening ? She saw Armin taking a shot and then it was Eren asking Jean :

"When’s the last time you made someone cry?"

Cry… She had cried a lot lately. But she wasn't a sad drunk. No. Tonight it was about celebrating !

"Today…" answered Jean. "I made Sasha cry this morning. I'm sorry Sasha."

She blinked for a while until the memory came back. He had let her all alone in that dark empty room…

Sasha made a hand gesture to tell him to forget it. It was in the past now. They had to be happy tonight !

"Next question Hange-san !" she exclaimed joyfully.

"Okay, it ends with Levi : mmmmhhh….. When’s the last time you wanted to hit somebody?"

"Right now. I want to punch Jean."

Sasha felt the silence filling the room and the bad atmosphere weighting the air.

"Let's change the game ! Dare or drink !" she offered.

"Sounds great." Eren said. "Hange I dare you to let Mikasa draw something on your face"

Sasha clapped her hands all excited, she felt full of energy right now she could kick trees while eating meat.

Mikasa was too kind though and only drew cute hearts on the Commander's jaws.

Sasha's mind was fuzzy but she perceived Mikasa doing goofy faces, heard Armin swearing for a moment, saw Eren and Connie switching clothes until she got impatient.

"My turn ! What should I do ?!" Sasha implored.

Hange smirked and said :

"Kiss Levi."

What ? Right now ? In front of everyone ? She wasn't prepared ! She could receive a kiss from him but not give him one !

But if she didn't do it their relationship wouldn't be believable.  _ Convince me _ , Hange had said. Sasha had to play along.

So she stood up and went to Levi. He was looking up at her with soft eyes, maybe trying to comfort her.

She leaned and dropped a small kiss on his lips.

"That's not a kiss !" Jean commented. "That's a children-"

"They're just shy Jean." Armin interrupted.

"No they're not, they're fake, a real kiss or a drink !"

Sasha didn't know why but Jean got her angry. Maybe it was the alcohol in her. So she sat on Levi's lap, one leg on each side, and gave him an intense kiss. She closed her eyes and focused on his soft lips intertwining hers. On the way they were moving. Him kissing her back was such a magical feeling. Sasha's hand went in his hair. Levi's hand went to softly press her waist towards him. He forced his tongue inside, circling with hers and deepening the kiss.

It tasted like alcohol but also mint. As they played with their tongues and their lips Sasha felt heat coming between her legs. Dammit. Her body wanted more. She wanted more. She gripped Levi's hair strongly to not break them apart.

"Guys !!!" snapped Jean.

Levi and her suddenly stopped kissing and realized they had let things go out of control and had forgotten their surroundings.

Sasha silently went back to her seat.

"Shouldn't we call it a day ?" asked Eren. “Tomorrow there’s titan shifting training and…”

"No ! For once we're doing something else than playing cards !" Connie said.

"But Eren seems tired." Mikasa said.

While the squad was debating if they should keep the party going, Sasha suddenly felt very hungry. She carefully got up and went to the pantry. Realizing walking straight wasn't easy for her she noted she might have drunk a bit too much. Maybe the pain in her stomach wasn't hunger… She decided to change her direction and go to the sink just in case. She heard people raising their voices in the mess hall but she was too focused on not throwing up to understand their words. She took a chair and pulled it next to the sink to sit on it. Her body suddenly shivered from the cold. She was in a very bad state. If her father saw her like this… She got scared just by the thought.

“Jean !” Sasha heard Armin yell.

She got up, it was maybe presumptuous but some intuition told her it had something to do with her. The room spinned. Damn she felt tired, she wanted to lay down on the floor that seemed strangely comfy at the moment. 

Sasha was about to go back to the mess hall when she felt something abnormal going up her throat. She leaned on the sink and started to cough. A bit of disgusting liquid got out of her mouth. There. It was all out now. She shouldn’t have eaten so much… or drunk so much.

Suddenly she heard a big thump in the mess hall followed by Levi's voice screaming :

"I HAD WARNED YOU !"

Sasha wiped her mouth with her sleeve and went as fast as she could without falling to the mess hall. Jean was on the floor, a hand on his face. Armin and Eren squatted next to him. Not far away, Levi was standing straight. He turned to Sasha, with troubled eyes. All she could tell was that he looked really angry.

"Let's go." he said before grabbing her arm.

"But but Jean, he needs-"

"Hange will take care of him."

He led her to their room and they silently changed into their pyjamas. The mood was cold and heavy. None of them dared to say a word. Levi was trying to read something on the sofa and Sasha just couldn't get to sleep.

She wasn't sleepy and the alcohol was whispering to her to do something silly.

"Levi…" she said while sitting next to him. "When will we get married ?"

"I don't know. Could be in a week, could be tomorrow."

She whined and rested her chin on his shoulder.

"You do have no sense of boundaries." he murmured.

"You smell lavender. Jean smells lemon and you smell lavender."

Levi looked at her from the corner of his eye.

"I'm trying to read, so could you fuck off ?"

It felt like a slap. Sasha pulled back and got up. She put her boots on and left the room without a word wearing only her nightshirt.

She ran to the stairs and went down to the first floor where the lab was. She didn't know what she was doing. She hated Levi's way of talking. He was so rude ! 

When Sasha entered the lab Hange wasn't there. Only was Jean sitting on the bench.

"I'm glad you came to see me." he said.

She approached him and saw the damages on his face. His cheek was swollen and bruised. He had a dark eye.

Why was she here ? Trying to be a good friend ?

Sasha raised her hand to slightly touch his injured face. His eyes squinted a little.

"Why do you keep getting in trouble Jean ?"

He frowned and looked away.

"I stand for what's right."

Sasha didn't know what to reply. She didn't know what had happened.

"Why did Levi punch you ?"

Jean kept his eyes down while stating :

"Because I told the truth. He thinks he's above everybody because of his…  _ abilities _ . Actually, he's just a jerk."

"Jean." Sasha said threateningly.

He didn't look up.

He waited but she didn't find the words to explain to him how Levi was a sweet person once you got to know him. And he was rude. Sasha wasn't good with words… and she was a little drunk honestly.

"You look amazing in this nightshirt by the way Sasha, I mean…"

So as to finish his sentence he let his hand touch the end of the cloth and then slid his fingers beneath to caress her thigh.

"Jean what are you doing ?"

"You're so cold." he ignored her.

His hand slowly went up, spreading warm in Sasha's body. Her leg trembled to his touch. When he reached her panties she stopped his hand.

"Don't."

She pulled his hand away and turned around. She was secretly embarrassed. Sasha deeply felt the desire to be touched. But now things had changed, she was engaged to Levi and she had to convince Jean it was real. 

"You're my friend Jean."

She left the lab, troubled. How could he still have some effect on her ? Was it because he was the only one who she had had sex with ? They had shared things so intimate but she had thought it was all in the past. Maybe not for Jean.

Sasha entered the bedroom and took off her boots.

"You went to see him ?" asked Levi.

"... Yes." she muttered.

Levi looked at her.

"Did anything happen ?"

"No, nothing." she lied too easily.

When she slid into the sheets she looked at him holding his novel on the sofa.

"Do you want me to read out loud ?" he asked.

"Yes please, if you don't mind Levi…"

He started reading and his voice was so low and weak that she barely could hear him. And her mind was full of thoughts she couldn't focus.

"Levi." she interrupted without looking at him. "Come to bed with me."

She couldn't see his reaction but it was a silent one.

"I can't hear you and I don't wanna sleep alone tonight." she added.

After what felt an eternity she heard him getting up and coming next to the bed.

“I don’t want to disturb your sleep Sasha.”

“You won’t. Your presence soothes me Levi.”

She watched him joining her under the blanket. He paid attention to keep a space between them. They looked at each other softly. Both involved in this complicated and intimate story. Were they friends now ? Words couldn’t express their relationship.

When Levi finally resumed his reading, Sasha noticed the red marks on his knuckles. She wanted to ask him what had happened for him to punch Jean. What had been said, but she knew he would avoid the question. So instead she closed her eyes and relaxed on the mattress, letting his voice lull her.

When Sasha woke up, she immediately recognized that smell of soap and lavender. Levi was still sleeping on his side, his body turned to her. It was strange to see him asleep, he finally looked at peace. She observed his soft lips, slightly blushing by the memory of them kissing intensely in front of the squad. Then she looked at his jaw line and at his neck. He had beautiful features.

Sasha raised a hand to touch his hair. They were so soft and thin. She wanted to smell them. 

Levi grabbed her hand.

"What are you doing ?" he said, opening his eyes.

She strangely remained calm and confessed :

"I don't know."

He didn't let her go. Instead he slowly intertwined their fingers.

"What are you doing ?" she returned the question.

"I don't know."

He pulled her hand to his lips and dropped a kiss on it. Sasha's heart skipped a beat. Why was he doing that ? No that it displeased her, on the contrary, but no one was looking at them, he didn't have to pretend.

Slowly, she approached him, she let her foot touch his feet and his body slightly shivered. It was… cute.

"We should get dressed." Levi said while standing up.

Sasha felt disappointed. She wanted to stay in bed with him for a while, just chilling out for once. But everytime she found herself alone again. She wished she could attract people more, that she could make them smile and laugh easily. That her presence was enough to lighten the pain. Still, she was glad that Levi seemed like himself with her. She could read his emotions more easily when they were just the two of them.

The man in question was already in the bathroom getting dressed. So she got up and quickly took her clothes and put them on.

She headed for the mess hall where there was breakfast. Armin and Connie were there like the day before.

They greeted each other, things still a little awkward between Connie and Sasha.

She was slowly eating her oatmeal when she put down her spoon and looked at the boys.

"What happened last night ? For Levi to punch Jean ?" she asked. 

Armin and Connie exchanged a look, obviously hesitating to share the truth.

Connie was the one who finally spoke up.

"Jean said he didn't believe in your marriage and that Captain Levi should be ashamed of …  _ 'proclaiming you as his bride for selfish reasons' _ , if I remember correctly."

Sasha's fingers moved with anxiety. It had been because of her. Jean still wasn't buying it.

"Then," resumed Connie."Levi warned him to not say another word but Jean didn't listen, he exclaimed that Captain Levi didn't love you."

Sasha felt a pain in her heart. She knew that Levi didn't love her, she didn't love him either, but it was strange. Strange when they were intensely kissing in front of others.

"I'm pretty sure the alcohol didn't help after that…" commented Armin.

"Why ? That's when Levi punched him ?" Sasha asked.

"No, not yet. Then, to sum it up the Captain said you were his fiancée and that Jean needed to move on from his… teenager crush or something. So Jean got angry, or more like angrier, and said the Captain was…"

Connie stopped his sentence.

"Why am I even telling you this ? You never talked to me about your engagement !" Connie snapped before leaving the room.

Sasha tensed. All of this was starting to get too heavier for her shoulders.

"Sasha," said Armin. "Jean said Captain Levi was treating you like a… like a whore."

Sasha paralyzed. Like a  _ whore _ . The word echoed in her mind. Was she a whore ?

No, no, she was doing the right thing, it just didn't seem like it at first glance.

Sasha firmly got up and stormed out of the mess hall. She needed some air. She went to the storage room and took her bow and arrow. Walking to the woods her mind was full of thoughts, of words, of memories.

She spotted a tree far away and bent her bow.

_ You're not suited for the army. _

The arrow hit the trunk.

_ You're just a stupid girl. _

She took another arrow and aimed for the tree again.

_ You're weak. _

One more arrow.

_ So weak _ .

Sasha fell on her knees. She bent on the ground before raising her head and screaming using all of her lungs.

It was too much. Her father, Connie, Jean, Levi, the mission. She had too much pressure on her.

She could hear her heart beating fast. Everything seemed so unfair. Life was unfair. She was trying to save a man's life, to save the one who had saved many others. But by doing that she was killing the faith in her surroundings.

What was it like in Levi's shoes ? She couldn't get in them. 

Slowly her breathing calmed down and she could hear the birds singing in the woods.

Sasha carefully got up. She walked to the tree and got her arrows back.

She had to stop running away. She had to face her problems once and for all. 

She knew she would have to talk to Jean at some point. To  _ really _ talk with him this time. But first she had to know : was she in love with him ?

The memories of their laughs and dances, kisses and hugs, came back to her mind and she wondered… if maybe she was sacrificing more than what she had thought.

On her way back to the castle, her thoughts went from Levi to Jean to her hometown to Connie and her lost friends. She remembered all she had accomplished up to this day and realized she had nothing to ruminate on.

Sasha's mission was to marry Captain Levi, it was not deadly. What was on stake was much bigger than her friendships.

All of this was new, but it wasn't the end.

Sasha was a soldier. She had sworn to dedicate her heart to humanity and that was what she would do.

So she went upstairs to Levi's office.

"Come in."

She walked through the room and sat on the sofa.

"You okay ?" asked Levi, looking up at her from his desk.

She shook her head. A silence filled the room. Sasha didn't want to talk.

She stared at her hands on her lap in silence.

At her own surprise, Levi came to sit next to her.

"I'm sorry." he said.

She looked at him with wide eyes.

"Sorry for what ?"

"For all of this. Everything that's happening to you… it's all my fault."

"It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Things are just like they are." she responded.

Levi sighed and closed his eyes. 

"What are we, Sasha ?"

She looked at him.

"What do you mean ?"

"Well, we're not really friends." Levi said. "Not with those kisses we share…"

There was a silence.

"I see us more like partners." she said. "Like for a mission. We're doing all of this for the mission."

He stared into space for a while until he mumbled :

"Yes, you're right. But it's just a freaking weird mission."

Sasha chuckled and he looked at her.

"Yes it is…" she finally said.

Their relationship was clearly becoming stranger and stranger but it also became stronger and stronger.

"There's many ways to love people." she murmured. "I do care about you Levi. I'm not just doing this because you are Humanity's Strongest and losing you would be terrible for the Survey Corps. I doing this mostly because I don't want  _ you _ to die, or suffer. I care about the Captain but I also and mostly care about Levi."

She looked away, a bit embarrassed by her own words. Then she felt him taking her hand. She knew it was his way of telling her :  _ I care about you too. _

It felt good, to have someone on your side, to know you could rely on them when everything was becoming too heavy to carry on by yourself.

When Levi stood up, Sasha looked at him with bright new eyes. He was her partner.

"Can I take a small nap here, Levi ?"

"On this sofa ? Why won't you sleep in the bedroom ?"

"I'd feel lonely." she confessed.

He stared at her for a while and then went back to his paperwork on his desk while replying :

"Do as you want."

Sasha smiled. Commander Hange was right : Levi was a sweet person once you got to know him.

Sasha lied down on the couch and closed her eyes. She tried to forgot about Jean and Levi's fight, about her concerned father, about Connie being pissed at her. Instead she focused her hearing on the sound of the quill on paper and her smell on the scent of lavender.

She drew her attention on Levi's presence in the room. It had something soothing. He had some sort of a protective aura.

She wasn't even sleepy. She just wanted to rest here, in this safe place. Still she pretended to be asleep when he heard Levi's chair moving a few minutes after. She heard him walking to her. It warmed her heart when she felt his jacket on her lying body.

Then Sasha felt a touch on her cheek, Levi was pulling away hair off her face. 

"You're a good partner Sasha." he whispered.

Her heart skipped a beat. His voice and moves had been so soft and gentle. She tried her best to keep pretending being asleep.

She heard Levi going back to his desk and resuming his paperwork.

_ Come back,  _ a little voice inside her said.

Sasha started to feel pathetic. She must being really in need of attention for wanting more of Levi's.

She rested there for a while, not moving, keeping his jacket on her body. She liked the calm atmosphere of this office. Levi was silent, only his writing could be heard. But at some moment he cursed and it made Sasha smile somehow.


End file.
